This is the time of night that i hate. Im sitting in bed studying for an IB Exam the next morning at 8. and all of a sudden, my past hits me like a cold slap to the face. all of the things that are terribly wrong in my life come to the front of my mind and i break down. i cannot control what i think about at this time of night. my current thought process is this:

fuck.. i need to get off tumblr.

maybe, if i do this my mom will love me.

i need to study more.

be smarter, Bailey. prove everyone wrong.

i want someone that is afraid to lose me.

summer? what summer? I’m busy planning my future, sorry i can’t party with you.

i know no one will care to read this. and i don’t care. i just need to get it out before i cuss someone out at school tomorrow. i cannot spend another wasteful moment thinking of things that will not help me solve a situation. someone told me a couple days ago that the sport i play is taking over my life because i let it. yeah well.. after i hung up the phone i cried. i cried because it is my only ticket to a brilliant future. no one believes in me therefore, i must prove everyone wrong and be the best at everything. no matter what. i will succeed and i will tear people down if that is what it takes. i will be at the top of the totem poll. if you do not stand with me during my struggle, then you sure as hell will not be there when i succeed.

someone ditched me the other day. i don’t know why. he made the plans. i waited. again. i will never be someones second choice. i am first. some people think I’m self-centered but I’ve been broken too many times by the people i trusted most to let that happen again. it is your loss. not mine.

i am making my self known.

i can’t wait to say ha. look at me now. guess who made it? and guess who did not? you.